Monday, 26 March 2012

'The Doomed Dates Diary' by Anna Holt: 3. Gregory

The sun is shining and Anna is back - here's some Monday fun for you...

3. Gregory        

         I had the paperwork in front of me. Kelly had very neat handwriting.
         'This is the way it works,' I said, sipping my Napa Valley Cabernet Franc- fully expecting it to be like drinking week-old rainwater from the muddy hoof print of a lame horse- and not being the least bit disappointed. 'Breaking up is no fun for anyone. My job is to make it quick and clean- for both of you.'
         'Okay,' she said.
         'Make no mistake- this is business. I'm not your friend. I'm not a shoulder to cry on. If you ring me up in the middle of the night wanting to tell someone, anyone, how much you miss him, I won't answer the phone.'
         'I understand.' she said.
         'Saying you understand now is one thing,' I said. 'Meaning it after you've drunk two bottles of wine and cried your way through a box of tissues is quite another.'
         Kelly didn't know whether to nod or shake her head. She grinned sheepishly instead.
         The ground rules always sounded a bit harsh at first but they were essential for an orderly and successful separation. Kelly was a new client. I wanted to make sure she knew what she was getting herself into.
         'If you choose to bypass the barriers I put in place and contact- er…(I paused momentarily to look up his name) Graham- directly I will not be held responsible. Is that clear?'
         So far so good. Now the tricky stuff.
         'If, at any point, you and Graham decide to get back together, I keep the deposit and please don't call me anytime in the future to dump him again.'
         'I won't,' she said.
         'However,' I added quickly. 'If you want to leave someone else, feel free to give me a call.'
         'That's very reassuring,' she said, with only a hint of sarcasm.
         Then came the bit I really hated- but it had to be done.
         'If you decide to go ahead- I do also offer an after-care package of fine chocolates, a library of classic romance films on DVD and several luxury spa products.'
         It made me feel cheap and commercial- preying on the aftermath of failed relationships- but if I didn't fulfill the need some crummy corner shop would. I'd even had a brochure printed.

         In the end Kelly went with the Belgian truffles, seaweed face pack and Gregory Peck. Good choice.


  1. This was great, loved it. I'm gona start dumping every guy I meet so I can get me hands on that after-care package! :)

  2. Not cheap and commercial at all - actually a very enterprising idea :-)